The Sinking of the Enterprise

So, the current issue of TV Guide has an article which the front cover blurbs as "Can Star Trek Be Saved?" Sigh. To think that it's come to this...

The article suggests, unsurprisingly, that the Star Trek franchise may be in big trouble, citing flagging ratings for Enterprise (although it's still the highest-rated drama on UPN, so it's in no danger of being cancelled) and the rotten box office take on Nemesis. (The Paramount suits are blaming Lord of the Rings for that, by the way, but, face it, the rest of us know better. It was bad word-of-mouth that did that movie in, and although, unlike many, I'm not inclined to trash it completely, even I have to admit that it was in large measure deserved.) Interestingly, it seems that despite Enterprise's rather desperate attempts to attract young viewers, its demographics are actually skewing older and older all the time. Apparently producers Berman and Braga are now saying that they've got some new tricks up their sleeves designed to revitalize the show, take it in new directions, and make it more exciting. Yeah, well, we'll see (assuming we're still watching by that point, which I for one might very well not be). Past experience indicates that these guys really Just Don't Get It. They should listen to their fans. TV Guide quotes a couple of fannish types who clearly do Get It. "...[I]t doesn't take risks," says one guy, and "...everything feels like the same Star Trek we've gotten for 15 years" says another. Yes, exactly.

TV Guide themselves also appear to Get It. They've included a list called "How To Fix Trek" which I think really does hold all the solutions. Being the crazy little copyright-violator I am, I'm going to just quote the whole damn list here, because it's very much worth passing on, and because I have nothing to add to it execpt an "Amen, brother!" at the end of every item.

1. MAKE IT OMINOUS It's cold and dark in space. Enterprise needs real peril, dread and fear so that characters are tested to within an inch of their lives. Introduce a chilling, powerful, wholly orginal threat that can't be vanquished in an hour. The Suliban aren't bad, but they're no Borg.

2. MAKE IT MORE REAL Let the crew make grave mistakes. Let them argue and be driven by less-than-moral impulses. Let the phaser beams rip through metal and bone. And let there be dangling emotional threads that weave through the lives of these otherwise bland characters.

3. LET CAPTAIN ARCHER BE HEROIC As written, Scott Bakula has as much commanding presence as Cap'n Crunch. Archer, like his beagle, is benign and a little too cute. He has an annoying tendency to second-guess, which trickles down to the rest of his whiny crew. Either light a fire under this laconic guy or kill him in a blaze of glory that explains why starships, planets and star systems should one day be named Archer. (And while you're at it, take out that annoying Ensign Hoshi with him.)

4. OPEN FIRE AND CLOSE THOSE PIE HOLES Enterprise should expand our belief about what is possible and transport us to realms unimagined with its ideas. But if it can't also be packed with action and adventure, move it to Lifetime. We're weary of the endless Trek babble on the bridge, the shuttlecraft, the crew quarters. Enough!

5. GET US ON THE EDGE OF OUR SEATS You shouldn't be able to figure out what the general direction and ending of any given episode is by the first 12 minutes. "Oh, here's where Hoshi overcomes her fear of failure..." "Well, it looks like Trip and that belligerent alien are going to work together to save both their hides..." Why not try some longer, unpredictable story arcs? Cliff-hangers, big and small, give a series purpose, poignancy and punch. Make us miss you this summer.

Like I said, "Amen, brother!" The thing is, Enterprise at its best isn't at all bad. Hey, I thought last week's episode, with the Tholians, was pretty entertaining. For the most part, though, god damn, but it's boring. For crying out loud, people don't watch science fiction because they want something comfortable and familiar and bland!

What really depresses me about this whole thing, though, is that I have the sinking feeling that not only is Star Trek going down, but it's likely to take science fiction TV in general right down with it. Face it, in the minds of most people, science fiction TV and Star Trek are exactly equivalent, and, worse yet, TV execs are quite likely to be thinking "Hey, if Star Trek, of all things, can't pack in the viewers, this science fiction stuff must have completely lost its appeal. Right, more reality shows, then!" Aaargh. Aaargh, aaargh, aaargh, aaargh, aaargh. And did I say, aaargh?