Saturday, March 10, 2007

I Give Up. The Insomnia Wins.

Last night I took an over-the-counter allergy pill on top of my regular prescription one, which I'm sure is not a recommended practice, but I was getting desperate. And, I have to admit, I was as interested in the side effects as in the added antihistamine action, as those things usually zonk me out completely. "Well," I thought to myself, "at least I'm going to sleep tonight." And, yeah, I did fall asleep... eventually. I might have even managed six hours or so, but they were bad, broken hours, and I feel about as bad today as I did on yesterday's approximately zero hours.

A little while ago, I was lying on the sofa with my eyes closed, not feeling like I could fall sleep, but not exactly feeling awake, either, until I finally hauled myself up so I could go and buy some badly-needed groceries. While I was navigating the store parking lot on my way home, I suddenly found myself thinking, "Man, I probably should not be driving." Because it was suddenly a challenging task just to keep my attention on where I was going. This... is slightly scary.

While I was there, though, I bought some sleeping pills. This is a major admission for me. Twelve years of shift work, with all its attendant sleeping problems, and I've never taken a sleeping pill in my life. Partly this is out of a sort of macho stubbornness: I can handle my own sleeping patterns! I don't need to depend on drugs to perform a perfectly natural function! And partly it's because I'm kind of suspicious of the things, being deeply convinced that natural sleep is always better than drugged sleep. But, man, drugged sleep must be better than no sleep.

I think I've had an adequate night's sleep once in the last two weeks, and, wow, the feeling of euphoric well-being I had that day, just from no longer being in a zombified stupor, was amazing. I wouldn't object to feeling that again, but mainly I just want to regain enough mental and physical energy so that I can do all the damned things I'm supposed to be doing, rather than finding it a major feat just to buy groceries. Wish me luck.

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