Mommy! My iPod is Scaring Me!

Now that I've got the new iPod all loaded up, I thought I'd test out its opinions and its fortune-telling abilities by revisiting a couple of amusing memes. If you haven't seen these before, the rule is that you hit "shuffle" on your music-playin' machine of choice, and interpret the oracular results. Which are as follows:

iPod Eightball

What do you think of me, iPod?

Answer: "Gimme the Prize (Kurgan's Theme)" by Queen

OK, it either thinks that I deserve a prize, or that I'm a raving egotist. Or possibly that I look like Richard Moll.

Will I have a happy life?

Answer: "Circle" by Sarah McLachlan

Hmm. Judging by the lyrics, I'm inclined to think that's a "no."

What do my friends really think of me?

Answer: "When You Are Old and Grey" by Tom Lehrer

Geez, I'm not that old!

Do people secretly lust after me?

Answer: "Sound and Vision" by David Bowie

I'll take that as a "yes," I guess.

How can I make myself happy?

Answer: "Taxi Ride" by Tori Amos

I don't know. I've never had a taxi ride that made me especially happy yet.

What should I do with my life?

Answer: "Shame" by Orchestral Manoevers in the Dark

Gee, thanks!

Why must life be so full of pain?

Answer: "Joe Falcon's Waltz" by BeauSoleil

So it's Joe Falcon's fault! Who the heck is Joe Falcon?

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?

Answer: "Godzilla" by Blue Oyster Cult

Hee! It is really kind of sad how much I'm giggling right now.

Will I ever have children?

Answer: "Resonance: Homage to the Ancient One" by R. Carlos Nakai

Is it telling me I'm too old?

Will I die happy?

Answer: "The Memory Teller" by Mark Ayers

I'm not sure what that means. It's up to me whether I remember my life as happy or not? Hey, I'll buy that.

Can you give me some advice?

Answer: "Stranger to Himself" by Fairport Convention

That's pretty cryptic advice.

What do you think happiness is?

Answer: "Dun Ringill" by Jethro Tull

I don't even know where that is!

What's my favorite fetish?

Answer: "Smells Like Nirvana" by Weird Al Yankovic.

It's true. I do have a bit of a thing for Al.

iPod Ching

Song One - The problem at hand: "Run for Your Life" by the Beatles
Sample lyric: "I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man."
Interpretation: I have a crazy homicidal stalker! Eeep!

Song Two - Your feelings on same: "Union Strike Folk Song" by Lisa Simpson
Sample lyric: "We'll fight to the death, or else fold like umbrellas."
Interpretation: I'll mightily resist the stalker! Or else I won't.

Song Three - The environment in which you operate: "Summer Rain" by U2
Sample lyric: "You won't live any longer, but it'll feel like it."
Interpretation: Well, it's not literally summer where I am. Or rainy. So I suppose this song is some kind of metaphor. And I don't think it's an encouraging one.

Song Four - Immediate action to be taken: "I'm Your Gun" by Jethro Tull
Sample lyric: "And just remember, if you don't mind, it's not the gun that kills but the man behind."
Interpretation: Apparently my immediate action is to be shot. OK, this is starting to creep me out. Damned Beatles. I blame them for starting this.

Song Five - Likely outcome: "Stereotomy" by the Alan Parsons Project
Sample lyric: "Silent knives dissect me and I feel no pain"
Interpretation: *crawls in a hole and hides*