Saturday, November 01, 2014

I've Just Got One Question For You, Punk: Red Or Green?

I'm going to a Halloween party tonight. Well, I think I'm going, anyway. This particular party happens every year, and almost every year so far, something comes up to prevent me going, to the point where, if I believed in such things, I'd half-suspect some cosmic force wants to keep me away. But so far, no bizarre obstacles have cropped up. Yet.

Halloween parties can be a bit awkward for me, though, anyway, because a lot of my friends are really into costuming and do amazing stuff at Halloween, and me? I can barely thread a needle. Basically, any skill that involves manipulating physical objects or creating anything visual, you can safely assume I'm going to be crap at. I'm much better with words. So my strategy generally is: put together a half-assed costume and find something. clever to say about it.

This year, the party has a local theme: "Weird New Mexico." Thus, I am putting on a cheap cape and a Zia sun symbol t-shirt I already happen to own (for reasons I've never been entirely clear on), and calling myself Captain Chile, New Mexico's first superhero. Why such a crappy costume? Eh, it's only temporary. I'll get around to doing a real one maƱana.

I have been amusing myself, possibly a little too much, by coming up with details about Captain Chile. Like:


Chile blast! Red from the left arm, green from the right, or, for particularly dangerous miscreants, it's Christmastime! Particularly effective when aimed at the eyes.

A brief but withering blast of hot, dry wind and intense sunlight, resulting in instant sunburn and bodily dessication.

The ability to create small, localized sandstorms.

Telepathic rapport with roadrunners.

Possible origin stories:

Swallowed a piece of trinitite.

Ate some mutant chile. (In retrospect, the way it was glowing and pulsing should probably have been a tip-off, but I just figured that meant it must be really hot and took it as a challenge.)

Toxic waste leak at Los Alamos.

Encounter with a mystical ancient spirit at Chaco Canyon during the summer solstice.

Bitten by a radioactive roadrunner.

Powers bestowed by Roswell aliens. (They're still there, you know. Some of them work at the UFO museum, in disguise.)

Secret government experiment at Sandia. I could tell you about it, but then I'd have to call the Men in Black to wipe your memory, and I don't want a repeat of last week.

Crimes fought:

Cattle rustling. (Well, OK, not really, but it seemed like it needed to be on the list.)

Overcharging people for crappy turquoise jewelry.


Crane poaching.

Blue meth cooking.

Wasting water.

Saying, "Wait, there's a New Mexico?"

(And if you understood everything in that post, congratulations! You're a New Mexican!)


  1. Able to leap dry arroyos in a single bound!

    How about defeating a hibernating dinosaur uncovered by one of Tech's many explosions?

    1. Now I'm sad they've never awoken any hibernating dinosaurs that way.